The Papacy Conspiracy (PG-13)
June 10, 2010
The Papacy Conspiracy (PG-13)
Tagline: Mother of God!
The Vatican is hiding a secret: The pope is pregnant!
After the mysterious death of Benedict XVI, a woman is surprisingly chosen as the new pope (The 266th, & according to ancient prophecy, the last!)
Pope Fatima the 1st (C.C.H. Pounder) is soon complaining of stomach pains and a mysterious morning sickness. She consults Vatican doctors, only to be given the shocking (& miraculous) news that she is going to have a baby! The Vatican keeps the news a secret, until they decide what to do.
However, one man: professional online gamer and amateur sleuth, ‘Pooter Hackman’ (Nicolas Cage), stumbles across the secret, after accidentally gaining access to secret Vatican files.
The security breach is discovered, so a Vatican insider: Archbishop Barzini (Tom Sizemore) is dispatched to track down and silence Pooter (the Archbishop is given special dispensation to break any, or all of the Ten Commandments, for the greater good).
Will Pooter survive long enough to reveal the shocking truth to the world? & what will become of Fatima & her soon to be born child!?
The History of Santa’s Slaves (G)
December 7, 2009
The History of Santa’s Slaves (G)
Genre: Generic holiday fare for the whole family to enjoy (w/torture and overt racism)
Set during the Industrial Revolution. Philanthropist Santa Claus (Nicholas Cage) comes to the realisation that he cannot keep up with the demand for free quality toys by working on his own. With increasing competition from the South, where companies keep their costs low with cheap labour, he surmises that to maintain his monopoly over Christmas, he needs help – and fast.
Unfortunately, good help is hard to find in the Arctic. At first, he approaches the Eskimos (Inuit elder played by Robert Loggia) but, being unionized, their wage demands are far too high for Santa’s generous business model.
The only other alternative in the North Pole was the reclusive, blood-thirsty, blubber-eating elves. Undaunted, Santa lays a wicked plan. He drugs and kidnaps the elfin leader (Jude Law), and brainwashes him on a daily basis with rubbish about Christmas cheer (a practice now known as Santaboarding). In the climactic scene, the elfin leader breaks down and agrees to guarantee Santa a thousand years of indentured labour – to the cheer of every child on the planet.
Possible dialogue:
Santa: Kind sir, would you and your people help me build free toys for all the children of the world?
Eskimo Joe (sniffing a bag of glue): Leave us alone, you fat c**t!
The Dig (PG-13)
October 9, 2009
The Dig (PG-13)
Tagline: There will be mud
Whilst on a archaeological dig, Dr Theodosius Queerbones (Nicholas Cage) and plucky assistant Jane Martin (Megan Fox), uncover what appears to be a spaceship. The vessel is covered in hieroglyphs and symbols that are foreign to them, so Queerbones turns to renowned UFOlogist Quentin Cobbleman (Hugh Laurie) to decipher the code.
Cobbleman is astounded and uses an artefact that he found years ago (the Georgetta Stone), to translate the code. Feeling there are on the verge of re-writing the entire history of the Western World, they are disappointed when the translated symbols read: “If this ship’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’”.
Devastated by the let down, Dr Queerbones enters into a deep depression. During this time, he is tormented by inexplicable images of giant, alien-like, walking and talking hotdogs. One evening, Dr Queerbones tries to contact Dr Cobbleman again, but he’s informed that he’s been killed. Suspicious and frightened, Dr Queerbones totally freaks out.
Queerbones returns, along with plucky assistant, to scene of the vessel but finds that it’s been commandeered by military officials. They sneak into their compound and find something far more terrifying and mind-blowing than they ever could have imagined…
Possible dialogue:
Dr Q: My god… is that what I think it is?
JM: That’s the creepiest giant, alien-like, walking and talking hotdog I have ever seen.
Hot Air (PG-13)
August 28, 2009
Hot Air (PG-13)
'Boon'
Genre: Generic chase film (like Bullitt) – but with hot-air balloons
Chazz (Nicholas Cage) and Gemma Rayzor (Sandra Bullock) are avid husband-and-wife hot-air balloonists. Together, they’ve won over 100 races in the balloon they affectionately refer to as ‘Boon’.
One day, during one of their races, they witness a murder in the basket of another balloon. Abandoning the competition, they decide to pursue the suspect – who is surprisingly quick!
(Include riveting 45 minute hot-air balloon chase scene where they’re screaming things like:
Gemma: “We need more speed! Have we chucked everything out? Where’s that six-pack of organic beans?”
Chazz: “I eated them.”
They suddenly stare at each other with the same thought
Gemma: “Drop your pants, I’ll get a match!”)
Chazz and Gemma eventually land on top of the murderer and subdue him after performing the world’s first hot-air balloon loop-de-loop.
Wheelman (PG-13)
December 19, 2008
Wheelman (PG-13)
Plot:
All action thriller staring Will Smith who, by day, is paraplegic, mild-mannered, web-designer & little league baseball coach, Sven Clayderman. By night, he becomes ‘WHEELMAN’… still paralysed but the best goddamn wheelman in the business.
Relentlessly pursued cross-country by borderline insane, Texan bountyhunter, Otis Clementine (Nicolas Cage) – just how long before the law catches up with him?
Trivia:
The scenes featuring Will Smith sitting in his wheelchair crying in the rain are actually outtakes from ‘How Slappy Got his Groove Back’.
Quotes:
Otis Clementine: “Nah your probably thinking to yourself, ‘does Officer Clementine have probable cause to shoot my punk-ass?’…….or should that be justifiable cause?……to shoot my punk-ass?’….. nah which is it again?…….er?……eeny……meeny……miny…….BANG!!!
WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, CITY BOY!! – MUHAHAHAHAH!…..MUHAHAHAHA!!”
[after a spectacular crash, Wheelman, bleeding & battered, is hanging upside down, trapped in the wreckage of his car. Otis approaches....] “‘scuse me sir…..would you mind stepping out of the vhe-hycle?”
