Mooncrack (PG)
March 13, 2011
Genre: Disaster movie
A team of tough construction workers, led by Chuck Bugger (Randy Quaid) are carrying out the dangerous lunar mission – to build the first Moonbase.
While working on the foundations, the hard-drinking slobs somehow manage to ‘break’ the Moon. A giant crack develops which threatens to literally split the moon in half!
The consequences of such an event would be catastrophic for the Earth. (Crops would fail, birds would fall out of the sky, there’d be worldwide tsunamis, & the Earth would be left in permanent daylight!)
The construction workers are trapped in a cave, so the only answer is to mount a daring rescue mission, led by none other than Cissy Bugger (Megan Fox), estranged daughter of Chuck & a fully qualified construction worker who was denied a place on the original mission due to the dangerous nature of the work.
Is it possible that a woman can succeed where men have failed & thereby save her father, & mankind in the process?
Mary Christmas (G)
December 20, 2010
Mary Christmas (G)
Tagline: All I Want For Christmas Is Your Kidney
Mary Krismas (Queen Latifah) is a middle-aged African-American living with her overbearing mother in a small apartment in downtown Chicago. She is indifferent to the holiday season, mainly because of her mother – who hasn’t celebrated Christmas in 40 years!
In the North Pole, Santa Claus (Kevin James) has come down with a serious illness. The elf doctor tells him his kidneys are failing and is in desperate need of a transplant. Everyone is in despair because it’s believed that Santa has no blood relatives. Weak and weary, however, Santa admits to a one-night affair (include flashback scene – Santa with a giant white afro, pants down to his ankles, etc…) He tells his elves that he is, in fact, the father of a middle-aged African-American woman who lives in a small apartment in Chicago with her overbearing mother, and goes by the name Mary.
In order to save Christmas for everyone, the elder elf vows to track her down and return with her kidney.
To make a long story short, the elf finds Mary and brings her to the North Pole. Borderline racist/culture clash hilarity ensues (i.e. “don’t you have any fried turkey?” etc…)
Possible dialogue:
Elf: Ma’am, it’s the only way to save Santa and Christmas.
Mother: You go honey, and you tell that deadbeat son-of-a-bitch that he owes me forty years of child support!
Other possible dialogue:
Santa: All I want for Christmas is your right kidney.
Mary: Pops, if you bring me a Lexus on Christmas morning, you can have my kidney, my spleen AND my uterus!
Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)
November 26, 2010
Ching, Chong & the Chinaman (R)
Genre: Wild West Kick ‘Em Up
1854: A small group of specially-trained, fresh-off-the-boat Chinamen (Jet Li as Ching, Stephen Chow as Chong, Jackie Chan as ‘the Chinaman’) travel to California. Their mission? To win big at local casinos using sneaky card counting tricks and bust out sick kung fu moves if required (note: they will be).
But Sacremento proves one town too far. The casino’s owner, notorious Jack ‘Cattle Prod’ Jones (Steven Seagal) and his henchmen (Jean-Claude ‘Heart Attack’ Van Damme & Jason Statham) aren’t going to let their money go without a fight. High octane action ensues.
Special cameo by Loni Anderson as the town whore.
Possible Dialogue:
Jones: Hand back the cash and your little friend here won’t get hurt.
The Chinaman: Let’s paint this town yarrow (flurry of flying kicks and punches, cash flies everywhere, Chong is prodded in the unmentionables, etc…)
Vault Disney (R)
November 15, 2010
Genre: Horror (‘Final Destination’ meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit’)
Tagline: “Why won’t you die, you frozen headed motherfucker!?”
A few days before Halloween, a group of thrill-seeking California teens break into the secret vault containing the cryogenically frozen corpse of Walt Disney and steal his head as a prank.
The following night ‘Headless Walt’ returns to stalk the ‘Burbs. He wants his head back and he wants revenge against them that took it.
And so begins a trail of terror, as one by one the teens are tracked down and killed in a variety of ways, all reminiscent of classic Disney movies. (*Walt is able to summon up nightmare versions of much loved cartoon characters to help him carry out the series of grisly murders - e.g. one girl is hacked to death by a gang of midgets, while another boy is ripped to pieces by a pack of rabid dalmations, etc…)
Eventually, the one remaining teen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) turns to her father (Kurt Russell) for help. So on Halloween, they make what will prove to be their last trip together to Disneyland (the scene of many happy family memories for both of them) as they face a final showdown with Walt on the roof of Sleeping Beauty’s castle during a thunderstorm.
* In true Disney style, there’ll be a range of crapy merchandise to cash in on this one, such as ‘Headless Walt’ action figures and a child’s nightlight in the shape of a head that sings a creepy, croaky version of ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ (but only when it knows the child is alone)
The Facility (R)
October 22, 2010
The Facility (R)
Genre: Intense horror. This year’s ‘Paranormal activity’ filmed entirely within a claustrophobic toilet cubicle.
Tagline: As if taking a dump at work wasn’t scary enough already.
Friday afternoon at an ordinary Detroit law firm, sits an ordinary employee just waiting for his uneventful weekend to begin. But today, Adam Faith (Matt Damon) is about to take a risk by having a last minute ‘No. 2′ at work. It could prove to be the biggest mistake of his life.
Finding it quite busy and seeking privacy, he takes the elevator to a secluded bathroom on the derelict top floor (this is Detroit). He makes himself comfortable and begins. He hears someone else enter (odd?) but he continues as quietly as possible. However, during the procedure, he unwittingly lets rip with a ‘machine gun’ like blast of wind! Panic stricken, he decides not to acknowledge it and remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare all concerned any awkwardness or embarrassment.
Unfortunately, he is denied a suitable window of opportunity as he thinks he can still hear the intruder. Soon he realises he has left it far too late and by now everybody must have gone home for the weekend. He tries to open the door but it’s stuck! (*it’s a very sturdy cubicle. Impossible to break down or climb over/under.)
And so begins a horrific ordeal, set to last at least the next three nights. As Adam tries to cope with the effects of dehydration and hunger, he passes in and out of consciousness (without any heating and with only natural light from the broken window.)
At one stage, in desperation, he tries to squeeze under the cubicle door legs first but he becomes stuck and feels something scratching at his legs (rats?)
Then, it seems that an unseen entity is trying to communicate with him through graffiti, which mysteriously appears and disappears on the cubicle wall!
Eventually, he realises that there is someone (or something) in the bathroom with him. Just on the other side of the door… Something evil!
Adam now knows that he is engaged in a titanic struggle, not just for his life, but for possession of his very soul!
Fact: a demon cannot take or even buy a soul. It can only be given away. A demon’s job is to convince us that our souls are worthless.
Will Adam find the strength to hold on?
