Failed Screenwriter’s Notebook

The History of Santa’s Slaves (G)

Genre: Generic holiday fare for the whole family to enjoy (w/torture and overt racism)

Set during the Industrial Revolution. Philanthropist Santa Claus (Nicholas Cage) comes to the realisation that he cannot keep up with the demand for free quality toys by working on his own. With increasing competition from the South, where companies keep their costs low with cheap labour, he surmises that to maintain his monopoly over Christmas, he needs help – and fast.

Unfortunately, good help is hard to find in the Arctic. At first, he approaches the Eskimos (Inuit elder played by Robert Loggia) but, being unionized, their wage demands are far too high for Santa’s generous business model.

The only other alternative in the North Pole was the reclusive, blood-thirsty, blubber-eating elves. Undaunted, Santa lays a wicked plan. He drugs and kidnaps the elfin leader (Jude Law), and brainwashes him on a daily basis with rubbish about Christmas cheer (a practice now known as Santaboarding). In the climactic scene, the elfin leader breaks down and agrees to guarantee Santa a thousand years of indentured labour – to the cheer of every child on the planet.

Possible dialogue:

Santa: Kind sir, would you and your people help me build free toys for all the children of the world?

Eskimo Joe (sniffing a bag of glue): Leave us alone, you fat c**t!