Failed Screenwriter’s Notebook

Condoliers (PG-13)

Genre: Slapstick/Racist/Revenge comedy

Mario and Luigi Di Natale (Adam Sandler & Sylvester Stallone) are Venetian gondoliers/brothers who work successfully together as conmen targeting wealthy female tourists. They seduce their victims, then inform them that they’re broke and will be forced to sell their family business unless they come up with 10,000 Euros. The con proves successful both for their bankbooks and their bedposts.

One day, enchanting American tourist Beth Handler (Megan Fox) enters their world. Both men immediately fall for her vivacious feminine wilds. Hilarity ensues with the realisation that they are no longer partners… but rivals! (Include predictable scenes of sabotaged sinking gondolas, bloody pigeon heads found in the bed, etc…)

When they discover that one of them is actually Beth’s father* and that she isn’t there to make amends but to spill the blood of the brothers that screwed (literally and figuratively) her mother, they’re forced to work together to save their own hides. Mama Mia!

* she’s the daughter of one of their previous victims  – but she’s not sure which one is her dad as the mother ‘enjoyed the company’ of both men.

Possible dialogue:

Mario: Wazza madda you?

Tomasso: Shud-up-a-ya face!