The Last Homo (PG-13)
June 29, 2010
The Last Homo (PG-13)
Europe: about 25,000 BC. The war between modern humans (Homo Sapiens) & Neanderthals (Homo Californicacious) is drawing to a close. The primitive Neanderthals, have been all but wiped out, by the more advanced invaders from Africa. Only a single Neanderthal remains: Ugg (Arnold Schwarzenegger).
Ugg is determined not to go quietly and mounts a one-man guerrilla war against the humans. During one particularly successful raid against the human camp, Ugg kidnaps the leader’s mate (Halle Berry). The human leader (Wesley Snipes) is furious and orders his men to hunt down and kill the savage before he can mate with his woman.
Will brute force & primitive weapons prevail against brains, long enough for Ugg to pass on his genes? Or is Ugg (& his entire species) facing extinction?
* the opening battle scene will feature the acting debut of World Cup star Carlos Tevez, seen here with his mother:
The Papacy Conspiracy (PG-13)
June 10, 2010
The Papacy Conspiracy (PG-13)
Tagline: Mother of God!
The Vatican is hiding a secret: The pope is pregnant!
After the mysterious death of Benedict XVI, a woman is surprisingly chosen as the new pope (The 266th, & according to ancient prophecy, the last!)
Pope Fatima the 1st (C.C.H. Pounder) is soon complaining of stomach pains and a mysterious morning sickness. She consults Vatican doctors, only to be given the shocking (& miraculous) news that she is going to have a baby! The Vatican keeps the news a secret, until they decide what to do.
However, one man: professional online gamer and amateur sleuth, ‘Pooter Hackman’ (Nicolas Cage), stumbles across the secret, after accidentally gaining access to secret Vatican files.
The security breach is discovered, so a Vatican insider: Archbishop Barzini (Tom Sizemore) is dispatched to track down and silence Pooter (the Archbishop is given special dispensation to break any, or all of the Ten Commandments, for the greater good).
Will Pooter survive long enough to reveal the shocking truth to the world? & what will become of Fatima & her soon to be born child!?
MedStu Cop (PG-13)
May 21, 2010
(Apologies for the slow output of late… we’ll pick it up soon)
MedStu Cop (PG-13)
A series of unexplained deaths hits the patients of Mount Zion Hospital. The only link is that shortly before each death, the hospital cat ‘Strokes’ chose to sit on the sleeping victim’s bed.
The police suspect foul play and send in undercover cop Hope Goodwell (Academy Award winner: Sandra Bullock) to pose as a medical student, while searching for the truth.
And so begins a battle of wits between ambitious cop & killer kitty.
However, Hope soon discovers that ‘Strokes’ may be innocent, & the real killer may actually be her diagnostic teacher: unconventional, maverick, medical genius, Dr Chambers (Pierce Brosnan) A secret psychopath, who’s been bumping off some of his patients, for years!
And so begins another battle of wits, between student & master. Who will be the victor?
Note: The spectacular climax features a hair-raising gurney chase through the streets of San Francisco.
Quackers: The Line Dancing Duck (U)
April 29, 2010
Quackers: The Line Dancing Duck (U)
Genre: All singing, all dancing, country music, cartoon caper
After Daddy Duck (Owen Wilson) is killed by a savage fox (Neil Diamond), Mummy Duck (Anna Paquin) struggles to raise her seven ducklings, including the youngest ‘Quackers’ (Taylor Swift)
Quackers suggests that they enter the big line dancing contest, to be held at the Grand Ole Opry, in one week (prize: $1000). So the family set off on (webbed) foot to Nashville.
But along the way, disaster strikes, Quackers (being the smallest) is unable to keep up and gets separated from her family. Mummy Duck is distraught, but has to continue, for the sake of the others.
Brave little Quackers is determined to catch up and continues alone. Along the way she meets several new friends:
Teets, the pregnant Cow (Dolly Parton)
Jumpy, the coke sniffing Rooster (Jack White)
Scrotum O’Neil, the 200 year old Tortoise (Lyle Lovett)
Eventually, she makes it to the contest, just in time for the dance off between the final 2 teams: her family & a pack of foxes led by the son of a gun who killed her pappy!
Tagline: Get y’all ducks in row
EBITDAR (PG)
April 6, 2010
EBITDAR (PG)
Experience it in IMAX 3D
Genre: Sucky Sci-Fi
The peaceful, commie, homo-loving, blue people of the planet ‘Data’ are attacked by an aggressive, warlike race of pink men (The Sayles).
After much fighting & explosions, the blue people emerge victorious, (Despite their philosophy that fighting & explosions solve nothing).
