#100 – Captain Pickle’s Fuzzy Warm Hugs Gang (G)
February 4, 2010
Captain Pickle’s Fuzzy Warm Hugs Gang (G)
Genre: Psychedelic/surrealistic animated tosh
Struggling conceptual artists Stan Redman and Calvin Green (voiced by Owen and Luke Wilson) travel to a transcendental meditation retreat in Rikikesh, India, seeking spiritual guidance and artistic inspiration (and drugs). Other guests include cartoon versions of Mia Farrow, Ringo Starr, Brian Wilson, Jeff Bridges, Dame Judi Dench, etc.
Soon after their arrival, however, the Maharishi (the retreat’s guru) is kidnapped by a group of monsters known as the Bad Vibes (who dress somewhat like the Taliban and have a dislike for creativity).
Redman and Green convince the other guests to form a musical band (dubbed ‘Captain Pickle’s Fuzzy Warm Hugs Gang’) to fight the Bad Vibes with ‘good vibes’ and to show them the value of love, music and art (and drugs).
Bombarded with endless music, the Bad Vibes are forced to surrender. Redman and Green offer a token of friendship (shrooms) to the Chief Bad Vibe and he has a ‘change of heart’. The Maharishi is saved and an enormous (drug fueled) party ensues!
Listen to Captain Pickle’s Theme Here
Possible Dialogue:
Redman: “But are you riding the horse? or is the horse riding you?”
Green: “Eh? GET OUT OF MY MIND YOU SLAAAAAAG!!!!”
Deep Thaw (PG-13)
January 28, 2010
Deep Thaw (PG-13)
Tagline: Things are gonna heat up.
Locked in the grips of a global deep freeze, American president (Morgan Freeman) orders a rag-tag group of scientists and coal miners (Bill Paxton, Hillary Swank, Randy Quaid, Omid Djalili) to drill to the Earth’s core in the hopes of triggering geological activity to (hopefully) warm the planet.
Robert Duvall, plays a marine turned preacher, comes out of retirement to lead the crew – but ultimately jeopardizes the mission when he starts to believe they are really in Hell.
Possible dialogue:
Duvall: “We’re moving too slow. Now I’d say the Indian guy (Djalili) & the boy (Swank) weigh about the same as my trunk full of bibles, so we have to kill ‘em.”
G-Gnomes (PG-13)
January 22, 2010
G-Gnomes (PG-13)
Big-budget, live-action reboot of the popular Canadian children’s cartoon series.
Nestdancer (Peter Drinklage) & Magicgrin (Tom Cruise) lead an elite team of genetically-modified garden gnomes on a secret mission behind enemy lines in Afghanistan.
Their mission: to nuke the poppy fields and thereby win the war on drugs and terror in one fell swoop.
Go G-Gnomes!
Possible dialogue:
Magicgrin: Jesus fucking Christ, Nestdancer… don’t go faggot on me! You knew there’d be casualties on this mission! We’re doing this to stop the kids in Quebec from becoming fucked up junkies, like your mother! Now let’s nuke these homos and go home, capiche?!”
Downsizing (G)
January 18, 2010
Downsizing (G)
Tagline: Down is up
Based on the hit Broadway musical of the same name, Downsizing, is the story of Chief Executive Roslyn Walton’s (Judi Dench) failed attempt to purposely financially ruin her company to offset the gains of a sister company (as a sort of tax dodge).
Citing a ‘progressive workplace hiring policy’, Walton fires her entire sales team and replaces them with a group of men and women with Down’s syndrome (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Madonna, etc), with the hopes that their inexperience will lead to a severe downturn in revenue.
Much to Walton’s surprise, however, the new sales team – naturally affable, honest and hard-working – performs exceptionally well. (Include scenes of the new pink-shirted sales team laughing, high-fiving, ringing bells intercut with the image of raining dollar bills)
Walton is faced with financial ruin but is ultimately saved when the new sales team pulls off a management buy-out and takes over the reins of the company.
Possible Dialogue:
Ros: You can’t do this. You’re just a bunch of retards!
Corky: No, ma’am… (eyes welling up)… You… You are the retard.
(not a dry eye in the house)
Vampires of the Pacific (PG-13)
January 11, 2010
Vampires of the Pacific (PG-13)
Tagline: This one has legs
The inevitable, and slightly more racist, sequel to the surprise hit of the summer: ‘Vampires of Atlantis‘.*
Three years after the events of the first film, some surviving vampires have adapted to life on dry land, and have chosen the sleepy port city of Hiroshima, Japan, as a foothold in their attempt to ultimately conquer the world. The vampires have been slowly taking over the population, and already control the city’s night life. The only thing stopping them from total control is their fear of daylight.
By sheer coincidence, British agent Felicity Kisschase (Jessica Alba) is also working undercover in the city, as a geisha, attempting to get close to high-ranking General Ozu (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) to convince him to defect to the allies. Haphazardly, Felicity uncovers the vampires’ evil plot and sets out to destroy them before it’s too late.
The thrilling climax sees Felicity and Ozu mount a daytime raid on the vampire’s lair (hidden in the basement of the Genbaku dome) but find the huge stone coffins empty! It turns out, the vampires have invented an ‘artificial skin’ which allows them to withstand direct sunlight. Now there’s nothing to stop them!
However, this day happens to be August 6, 1945 and the vampire’s ’skin’ turns out to be no match for a dose of good old American radiation. Ozu sacrifices himself to save Felicity, by sealing her in the empty (lead-lined) sarcophagus, closing the heavy stone lid, just before the blast kills him, and the vampires.
Gotchagain BLOODSUCKAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!
*(has now been turned down by every major player in Hollywood. With one (Kevin Spacey) describing it as “that piece of shit”).
